The Best Way to Communicate with a Dishonest Person

The Best Way to Communicate with a Dishonest Person

The best way to communicate with a dishonest person is: Don't! However, sometimes we have no choice.  Sometimes we have to talk to and try to cooperate with a compulsively dishonest person. This can be extremely challenging not just from a moral and ethical standpoint but also because this person can prove to be incredibly unreliable. Here are some strategies you can try to make the interaction more effective:

  1. Stay Calm and Objective: Stay on task. Why do you need to communicate with this person? What is your goal? While talking to them, remember your objective. Avoid showing frustration or anger. Keep your tone neutral and your emotions in check. It's important to limit your interaction to only what is necessary.
  2. Fact-Checking: Ask. Don't assume. If the person is vague, ask for clarification. Ask things like: "Do you mean...?" "Am I understanding you right, are you saying that...?" Politely verify the facts. If you suspect dishonesty, ask for evidence without accusing them outright. This is important because some people will purposefully try to rouse an emotional reaction in order to deflect from the truth. They will purposefully try to start an argument so the focus is off of them and what they are saying. 
  3. Set Clear Expectations: Make it clear that honesty is valued and required in your conversations. If possible, establish consequences for dishonesty. 
  4. Active Listening: Pay attention to what they're saying and how they're saying it. Sometimes, what's not said is as important as what is. Some people will not outright lie, but instead try to manipulate and mislead you. They'll try to give you the impression that something is a way that it isn't. What is being conveyed by what is being said? Is it vague? Don't assume! Ask.
  5. Avoid Confrontation: Direct accusations can lead to defensiveness, which can derail the conversation. Instead, ask open-ended questions that encourage honesty. It can help to remind the other person of the objective of the conversation. 
  6. Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on the dishonesty, focus on finding a solution or a way forward. If the person has been dishonest but you still need to deal with an issue, focus on that instead of how you feel. Again, you are trying to limit your conversation and interaction with them as much as possible. Focus on the goal. What needs to be done?
  7. Maintain Professionalism: Keep interactions professional and respectful, regardless of the other person's behavior. If you can, compartmentalize your emotions until you are away from that person. Work through your feelings in a safe space.
  8. Use “I” Statements: When discussing issues, use “I” statements to express how their dishonesty affects you or the situation. You can use this for scheduling a follow-up, for asking for proof, for involving a third-party, or when asking for clarification.
  9. Limit Opportunities for Dishonesty: In a work setting, have clear protocols and checks in place to minimize chances for dishonest behavior. If you can, don't give that person responsibility. Don't interact with them unless you have to. Be aware of your vulnerabilities. Understand the risk and consequences if they are dishonest. 
  10. Seek Mediation: If the situation does not improve, consider involving a neutral third party to mediate the conversation.
  11. Find help: Depending on the situation, it may be a lot to deal with. Do you have a safe person to talk to? Perhaps a coach could help? Perhaps a therapist could help? Is there a way to sever the relationship you have with this person? Do you have to interact with them? Dealing with a compulsively dishonest person can be extremely emotionally taxing. Often there are lasting consequences of the dishonesty. This can be especially impacting if you are the person suffering the consequences of their behavior. Engage in self-care. Make sure that you are receiving the help and support that you need. 

Compulsive dishonesty is harmful. Avoiding it is best. If you have to deal with it do so in the most limited fashion possible. Stand by your values. Don't compromise yourself or your values to make a dishonest person feel better about themselves. Try and keep your emotions out of the interactions. Avoid being triggered and derailed. Understand the risks and consequences. Remember, you can't control what another person does, you can only control what you do.