When Clients Aren’t Ready to Share
When Clients Aren’t Ready to Share
As coaches, we sometimes sense that clients are holding something back. How do we approach this with care while maintaining the integrity of the coaching relationship? This realization often creates an internal dilemma: Should we confront the discrepancy directly or give clients the space to reveal their truth in their own time? The answer lies in understanding that what might appear as dishonesty is frequently a self-protective mechanism that deserves our compassion and strategic consideration.
When clients withhold information or present altered versions of their reality, they're rarely acting with malicious intent. Instead, this behavior often stems from deeply rooted protective mechanisms. They might be shielding themselves from perceived judgment, avoiding painful truths, or simply not feeling ready to confront certain aspects of their lives. Recognizing this helps us approach these situations with empathy rather than judgment.
As coaches, we might notice subtle indicators that a client is holding back: Inconsistencies in their narrative, physical signs of discomfort when discussing certain topics, or patterns of deflection. For example, I’ve worked with a client who consistently shared contradictory facts about their situation. At first, I wondered if they had simply forgotten what they had shared before, but over time, it became clear that this was a recurring pattern. It felt like navigating a maze, not knowing which version of their story reflected their true experience. While I initially avoided addressing the discrepancies, I realized that continuing without clarity was hindering their progress and our coaching relationship.
These signs aren't red flags but rather valuable information about where our clients might need additional support to feel safe. The key is to observe these patterns with curiosity rather than conclusion-drawing.
Building an environment where truth-telling feels safe is crucial. This involves more than just maintaining confidentiality; it requires creating an atmosphere where vulnerability is met with understanding. We can achieve this by:
Normalizing the difficulty of complete honesty in coaching relationships. Share frameworks about how common it is for clients to initially hold back certain truths, helping them understand they're not alone in this experience.
Demonstrating appropriate vulnerability in our own responses. This might mean acknowledging the complexity of certain situations or sharing relevant professional experiences that show our understanding of why complete openness can feel challenging.
Rather than direct confrontation, which can trigger defensive responses, consider using reflective questions that invite deeper exploration:
"I notice there's some hesitation when we discuss this area. What makes this topic particularly challenging to explore?"
"What would need to be different in our coaching relationship for you to feel completely safe discussing all aspects of this situation?"
For instance, when I finally brought up the inconsistencies with my client, I framed it as an observation: “I’ve noticed there are some differences in the ways you’ve described this situation over time, and I’m curious if we might explore that together.” This allowed us to discuss the deeper reasons behind the inconsistencies without blame or judgment.
This approach, which we might call "collaborative curiosity," positions coach and client as partners in understanding the resistance rather than creating an adversarial dynamic.
There are times when a more direct approach serves the client's best interests, particularly when patterns of withholding are actively hindering their progress toward stated goals. In these moments, frame your observations as invitations to explore:
"I'm noticing a pattern that feels important to bring into our conversation. Would you be open to exploring this together?"
"I want to share an observation I've had over our last few sessions, and I'm curious about your perspective on it."
Assessing when to use directness involves considering the client’s readiness and the context of the coaching relationship. Look for patterns of trust-building or moments when the client seems open to deeper exploration. It’s about timing and sensitivity.
Our role as coaches includes helping clients build the emotional capacity for greater honesty. This involves:
- Supporting them in developing self-compassion to counter the shame that often drives withholding
- Working with them to understand and articulate their fears about being fully honest
- Helping them recognize the potential benefits of greater authenticity in the coaching relationship
Remember that our goal isn't to force disclosure but to create conditions where honesty feels both safe and valuable to the client. This might mean accepting that some clients will take longer than others to fully open up, and that's okay. Our job is to maintain a balanced approach: Remaining aware of discrepancies while continuing to build trust and safety.
By focusing on creating safety rather than demanding immediate truth-telling, we honor both our commitment to authentic coaching and our clients' natural psychological defenses. This approach ultimately serves our higher purpose: supporting clients in their journey toward greater self-awareness and authentic living.
Trust that as you maintain this balanced, compassionate approach, clients will naturally move toward greater honesty as they feel ready. The key is to remain patient while continuing to create conditions that make authenticity both possible and appealing.
As you encounter situations where you sense clients aren't being fully honest, remember that your instinct to prioritize rapport and give grace is valuable. However, this can be balanced with gentle exploration that helps clients understand their own resistance to full honesty.
Reflect on your own practice:
How do you currently handle moments when clients aren’t fully transparent?
What strategies might you incorporate to create a stronger sense of safety in your sessions?
This balance honors both the immediate need for safety and the longer-term goal of authentic transformation.