Why You're Doing What You Love and Still Feel Miserable

Why You're Doing What You Love and Still Feel Miserable

Ever had that moment where you look at your life and think, "I'm literally doing everything I value, so why do I feel like I'm drowning?"

You're not broken. You're not ungrateful. And you're definitely not alone.

The culprit? You might be suffering from what I call "value chaos" – when everything matters, but nothing has priority. And believe it or not, research backs this up: studies show that people with clear value priorities experience better mental health, while those with conflicting or unclear priorities often report higher levels of emotional distress and anxiety [1][2].

The Value Pile-Up: When Good Intentions Go Bad

Picture this: You value family, so you attend every soccer game. You value career, so you take on extra projects. You value health, so you squeeze in 6 AM workouts. You value friendships, so you never say no to coffee dates.

On paper, you're living your values. In reality? You're exhausted.

Here's the truth bomb most self-help gurus won't drop: Just because you value something doesn't mean it deserves an equal share of your precious life energy.

Without a hierarchy, your values become demanding toddlers all screaming for attention at once. And we all know how well that scenario plays out.

The "Should" Storm

Without clear priorities, we default to some seriously questionable decision-making:

  • The squeakiest wheel gets the grease (hello, work emails at 11 PM)
  • The immediate trumps the important (another night skipping that passion project)
  • The expectations of others outrank your inner knowing (yes, Karen, I'll join the committee)

Sound familiar? Thought so.

Value Clarity: Your Escape Hatch from Obligation Hell

When you create a value hierarchy, magic happens (and neuroscience confirms it):

  1. You grow a backbone: "Sorry, can't make Tuesday's optional meeting – it conflicts with my non-negotiable family dinner."
  2. Your brain literally chills out: Neuroscience research shows that value hierarchies reduce cognitive load by providing a decision-making framework that conserves mental energy [7]. Translation: less brain strain, more peace.
  3. You make guilt-free trade-offs: Every yes means multiple nos – and that's not just okay, it's intentional.
  4. You find peace with tough choices: That twinge of FOMO dissolves when you know you're honoring what truly matters most.
  5. You finally feel like YOU again: This isn't just fluffy talk – studies confirm that "valued living" (aligning actions with prioritized values) predicts lower depression and anxiety [2][5]. That alignment sensation is your authentic self doing a science-backed happy dance.

Your Value Hierarchy Bootcamp: No Worksheets Required

Let's cut to the chase with a process that won't have you filling out endless journal prompts:

Step 1: The Brain Dump

Grab something to write with and ask yourself:

  • What makes me lose track of time?
  • What would I fight to keep in my life?
  • What would make future-me proud?
  • What do I secretly judge others for not prioritizing?

No filtering, no overthinking – just raw, honest answers.

Step 2: Find the Patterns

Now circle the themes. Maybe "learning," "growth," and "mastery" keep showing up – that's one value cluster, not three competing demands.

Give each cluster a name that resonates in your gut. Aim for 7-10 categories max – we're simplifying life here, not creating a new spreadsheet to manage.

Step 3: The Brutal Ranking

Here comes the part that separates the value-clarity warriors from the wishy-washy wishers:

For each pair of values, ask: "If my house was on fire and I could only save one, which would it be?"

Dramatic? Yes. Effective? Absolutely.

Other questions if the fire scenario is too intense:

  • "Which one would I hold onto even if everyone thought I was crazy?"
  • "Which one, if compromised, would make me feel like I've betrayed myself?"
  • "Which one feels like it's hardwired into my DNA?"

Step 4: Real-Life Reboot

Time to put your hierarchy to work:

  • Create a lock screen with your top three values (visual reminders work!)
  • Identify one commitment that's stealing energy from your top values
  • Design a tiny experiment to shift time toward your highest priority this week

From "Ugh" to "Aha": Mind Shifts That Change Everything

Try these perspective flips:

  1. The Choice Reframe: Instead of: "I have to miss this social event for work." Try: "I'm choosing my value of impact over my value of connection today."
  2. The Ownership Switch: Instead of: "I feel terrible for not volunteering at school." Try: "I'm honoring my priority of health by saying no to overcommitment."
  3. The Time Boss Mentality: Instead of: "There's never enough time for everything." Try: "I'm the CEO of my time, and I invest it according to my value hierarchy."
  4. The People-Pleaser Detox: Instead of: "Everyone expects me to..." Try: "My value of authenticity ranks higher than my value of approval."

When Life Gets Messy (Because It Always Does)

Value Clashes

When "family" and "career" seem locked in a cage match, dig deeper. Maybe it's really "stability" versus "challenge" – and maybe you can find a creative third option that honors both.

Psychology research confirms that these value conflicts aren't just annoying – they're directly linked to increased anxiety and poorer mental health outcomes [1][6]. This isn't just about feeling better; it's about protecting your psychological wellbeing.

Survival Mode Seasons

Sometimes life forces temporary value compromises. The key word is temporary. Having clarity about core values helps you return to alignment once the crisis passes – something therapists call "psychological flexibility," which is associated with greater resilience during difficult times [5].

Your Evolving Self

Your value hierarchy at 25 won't match your hierarchy at 45 – thank goodness! Multiple studies confirm that personal values evolve across different life stages [1][6]. Schedule a value check-in with yourself every birthday or New Year – your future self will thank you for it.

Meet Mark: Value Hierarchy in Real Life

Mark loved his job in finance and valued financial security. But he couldn't figure out why he felt increasingly hollow inside despite the promotions and bonuses.

His value exploration revealed a surprise: while financial security ranked in his top five, his number one and two values were actually creativity and adventure – both completely missing from his daily existence.

Rather than quitting his job (dramatic but unnecessary), Mark:

  • Used his financial skills to start a side project helping adventure companies manage money
  • Blocked Friday afternoons for "creative finance" – finding innovative solutions to client problems
  • Scheduled one micro-adventure monthly and one major one annually

The result? Same job, vastly different experience. His energy rebounded not because his circumstances changed dramatically, but because he realigned his time allocation to honor what truly mattered most.

The Real Payoff: Life That Actually Feels Like Yours

When your choices reflect your true value hierarchy, you'll notice science-backed benefits:

  • That mysterious energy drain starts to vanish (research shows value-aligned living reduces emotional fatigue) [2]
  • Decisions become clearer (not always easier, but clearer) as your brain's value centers guide choices more efficiently [7][8]
  • Your "yes" has more enthusiasm and your "no" has more confidence (values clarification is linked to improved decision-making) [4]
  • You bounce back faster from setbacks (studies show value alignment improves resilience) [5]
  • You recognize yourself again when you look in the mirror (psychological research confirms authenticity increases wellbeing) [3]

Your Turn: Quick-Start Questions

  1. What's one thing you regularly do that leaves you feeling mysteriously depleted? Which hidden higher value might it be violating?
  2. Think of someone you admire for their clear boundaries. What value do you suspect sits at the top of their hierarchy?
  3. If you had to tattoo just three words on your arm to guide every decision for the rest of your life, what would they be? (Don't worry, this is hypothetical. Unless you're into that.)
  4. What's one tiny adjustment you could make tomorrow to better honor what you now suspect might be your highest value?

Remember: This isn't about creating the perfect life. It's about creating a life that makes sense to YOUR soul. A little clarity goes a long way toward feeling at home in your own existence.

Now go forth and prioritize – your energy is too precious to spend on a value free-for-all. And that's not just my opinion – that's science.

References

[1] Asteroid Health. (n.d.). Personal values in mental health. https://www.asteroidhealth.com/blog/personal-values-in-mental-health

[2] Tun et al. (2024). The role of value priorities and valued living on depression and anxiety. https://www.research.ed.ac.uk/files/434160655/Tun_Etal2024PIDTheRoleOfValuePriorities.pdf

[3] National Library of Medicine. (2021). Values clarification. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8278292/

[4] Hack That Habit. (n.d.). Value hierarchy. https://www.hackthathabit.com/blog/value-hierarchy

[5] GoodTherapy. (n.d.). Values clarification. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/values-clarification

[6] Schwartz et al. (2022). Personal values. Nature. https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-022-07758-4

[7] Lyons, Ed.D. (n.d.). Values-based decision making: A catalyst for personal growth. LinkedIn. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/values-based-decision-making-catalyst-personal-growth-lyons-ed-d--5v5he

[8] Frontiers in Psychology. (2023). The neural basis of personal values. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1224911/full