Why people compromise their values and beliefs, the damage it does, and how to stop.

Compromising your values refers to the act of setting aside or altering your fundamental beliefs, principles, or standards to accommodate a situation, person, or group. Values are core aspects of your identity and moral compass, guiding your behavior and decisions. When you compromise these values, you essentially act in ways that conflict with these deeply held beliefs.

It's important to recognize the difference between healthy compromise, which is normal in any relationship, and consistently sacrificing your own values, which can be harmful. 

Why would someone compromise their values for another person in the first place?

• In Relationships: A person might alter their behavior, beliefs, or desires to please or appease another person, even when it goes against what they fundamentally believe in.
  
• At Work: A person might engage in practices or decisions that clash with their ethical standards due to pressure from superiors or the organizational culture.
• In Social Settings: A person might participate in activities or adopting attitudes that conflict with their values to fit in with a group.
• In Personal Choices: A person might make decisions about their lifestyle, education, or career that are influenced more by external expectations than by their own values.
  

Compromising your values repeatedly for others can have several negative consequences, both psychologically and in your relationships:

1. Loss of Self-Identity: Constantly compromising your values can lead to a loss of sense of self. You might start questioning who you are and what truly matters to you. Do you even know what you would do if you were given the freedom to do what you wanted to? Do you even know what you like anymore? Or is your whole life about what other people want and need? 
2. Resentment: Over time, you may begin to harbor resentment towards the other person for having to constantly suppress your own beliefs and values. When do you get to do what you want to do? This isn't fair!
3. Decreased Self-Esteem: Continually putting someone else's values above your own can lead to diminished self-esteem and self-worth.  Doing everything for everyone else may seem like a very noble thing to do but without authenticity and self-care it will eventually degrade your self-esteem.
4. Emotional Exhaustion: Living in a way that is not true to your values can be emotionally draining, leading to feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Dealing with the incongruence of what you are doing versus what you value and believe in, is exhausting! How do you reconcile the gap between the two? How do you feel OK about it? When is what is important to you going to matter? 
5. Strained Relationships: While the relationship with the person for whom you're compromising might continue, it can become strained due to underlying resentment and lack of authenticity.  Why do you have to go against yourself? Why can't you live in your own truth? It doesn't seem fair!
6. Regret: Time is very precious and it passes very quickly. In the end, you may realize that compromising what you value and believe in wasn't worth it.  You might look back and regret not having stood up for your beliefs or values, especially in critical life decisions.
7. Stress and Anxiety: Living in conflict with your values can cause significant stress and anxiety, as it creates an internal conflict that is hard to resolve. Going against what you value and believe in can be an ugly ugly feeling. 
8. Dependence and Control Issues: This pattern can lead to a dynamic where the other person's needs and values always take precedence, potentially leading to a controlling or codependent relationship. Are you an equal or a subservient? 
9. Difficulty Making Decisions: If you're used to ignoring your own values, you might find it challenging to make decisions based on your own preferences and judgments. We see this a lot when people leave an abusive relationship. Often times people like this have a very hard time even with the most basic of decisions because they are used to doing things that others want in a way that others want it. They have been conditioned to not even consider what they like or would prefer anymore in order to avoid dealing with the incongruence and conflict that would bring up.
10. Impact on Mental Health: Long-term suppression of values can have a detrimental impact on your overall mental health, leading to issues such as depression or anxiety.
    

So what now? What can you do? How can you break out of this ugly cycle?

Here are some steps to help you maintain your integrity while still being considerate of others:

1. Identify Your Core Values: Clearly define what your core values are. Understand what is non-negotiable for you and why these values are important. Some examples of core values include: honesty, integrity, respect, responsibility, compassion, fairness, loyalty, courage, freedom and love.
2. Reflect on Past Compromises: Think about times when you've compromised your values. Consider the outcomes and how they made you feel. This can help you recognize patterns and triggers. Journaling can help you to reflect and work through your feelings.
3. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries based on your values. Communicate these boundaries to others respectfully but firmly. Remember, by setting a boundary you must also be prepared to enforce that boundary. Know what the consequences are. Boundaries are an essential part of living an authentic life!
4. Develop Self-Confidence: Believe in your worth and the validity of your values. Confidence can help you stand firm in your beliefs. You are not subservient. You matter. 
5. Practice Assertiveness: Learn to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a direct and respectful way. Assertiveness training or workshops can be helpful. Role playing with a friend, coach, or therapist can help to practice this skill. How can people know what you value or believe in if you won't communicate? Communication is absolutely essential.
6. Learn to Say No: Saying no is a crucial skill when it comes to protecting your values. Practice saying no in smaller, less challenging situations to build up your ability. Again, you can practice by role playing with a friend, coach or therapist. It will become easier with practice. 
7. Prioritize Self-Respect: Remind yourself that maintaining your self-respect is more important than pleasing others or gaining their approval. Engage in self-care. Take care of yourself. Respecting yourself includes making the time and effort to look after yourself. You deserve your own care and love.
8. Seek Supportive Relationships: Surround yourself with people who respect your values and encourage you to be true to yourself. If you are struggling finding and making those kinds of connection you could seek help from a coach or therapist. 
9. Reflect on Consequences: Consider the long-term consequences of compromising your values. Often, the short-term discomfort of standing firm is less damaging than the long-term regret of compromising too much. Journaling may help to examine the consequences and your feelings.
10. Counseling or Therapy: If you find it particularly challenging to maintain your values, consider seeking help from a coach or therapist. It's OK to ask for help.